My grief.

Through my research, I recognised the need to collectively mourn our illusions and all those bad habits that we believed to be virtuous. I must be consistent today and mourn in front of you. It is an encouragement to follow me in this step, absolutely essential before joining the dream, and to sincerely give the energy to deliver it.

Anger is the emotion that masks a great sadness in me. And I believe most of us do. I will therefore speak both in this post of an apparent anger and a deeper more hidden sadness. That’s usually a good prescription for a powerful grief.

Excuse me in advance if I offend or shock you in any way. But I am only human. And I hope you can forgive me.

I start….

When I was little, I saw too much violence. Too much.

Love between adults was an ordeal. I suffered it.

I was a disappointment, I should have been called Julien.

I was sexually assaulted as a young child, I was assaulted again later as a young adult. I am a #metoo girl. I was hugely disappointed with Love, until I couldn’t believe in it anymore. And I was really scared at a lot of things.

Sometimes I get tired, the fighter needs a good rest. During many years, I used to smoke cannabis as a way to calm my agitated thoughts. I have since overcome this bad habit.

So, I am angry that progress is the decriminalization of cannabis, when I had such a hard time getting out of it. In particular, I saw others around me destroying all their potential with this terrible drug, much underestimated. In Brazil, it is even said to be the devil’s drug.

I believed that cannabis would make me stronger, like the others whom I found much stronger than me. I mostly admired men, because they seemed to master their emotions much better. In fact, it’s an anesthetic, and when the men finally feel no need for self-control, they can be even more violent.

Life is not easy for anyone. I am really angry that we take care of each other so badly, especially the way we treat our children. Instead of micro-management, it should be enough to stretch them out of their comfort zone, little by little with all our kindness, to face the hardships of the real world.

Then, I do not understand that we are not all, especially mothers, in the streets to save our children today from a cruel future, and for which the education system prepares them so poorly, by making them followers more than actors of a common destiny.

Then, I dislike that through disregarding our negative feelings and emotions (like I told you I did too for a while), we teach our children to do the same. There is absolutely nothing negative about expressing anger or sadness. On the contrary, it is a very healthy habit as long as we do not hold on to it.

But, do not see in it blame, as I am equally angry at the conditions in which men and women have to be perfect in all areas. Perfect spouses, friends, parents, professionals, and for women in particular, all this with half the wage of most men, and when a day only lasts 24 hours, and a week, seven days…

And then I was lucky to fall in love with the European project..

Not the institutions, however. I saw immediately as soon as I entered it the limits of this system which destroys everything, which breaks and which frightens. I have seen people run away from their love for the Project, disconnect from themselves so they don’t feel disillusioned anymore. I have seen people adopt truly unhealthy behaviours to build careers and move up through the ranks.

But if this system is sick, it’s only the reflection of an entire sick society. There was a time when bureaucracy was seen as the most perfect organisational model.

Yet, above all, I saw wonderful people, full of extraordinary talents. A blessing for our world. And when I joined, in spite of the rigid structures, I said to myself with eyes full of admiration, that I wanted to be part of this ethnic, cultural, intellectual, emotional melting pot … with pride, without ever having trouble standing up to contribute.

With passion, I wanted to unleash talents, and seek the conditions for fulfillment through collaboration, especially because I wanted all those around the institutions to benefit from this treasure. Yet, despite my positive energy, I have been looked down upon a number of times that you cannot even imagine possible.

And I continue with my sadness and anger, when I see how many people today miss out on the joy of living together, appreciating diversity and wanting to reach out to others. No country can live in autarky anymore. Our world is global. I do not understand the calls for hatred and for violence. I do not understand how one can deceive others to this point by making them believe that withdrawal is the way of reason.

I do not understand those who do not see the need to act to change things before it is too late, and we take a fatal direction where our children could well die in war. I don’t understand why none of our leaders stand up today and let a 16 year old girl destroy any chance of a peaceful life to save us. I do not accept that we look at her suffering without moving more.

I am very angry with all the injustices in our world. To see that each measure aimed at helping the most vulnerable locks them even more into a demeaning, disempowering position. I can’t stand to see these children around me, who are suffering from the non-healing of the world.

Their eyes are slowly fading as they are growing up… and this makes me so sad.

I cannot accept that we do not do everything we can to find the solutions for Africa, when there is so much treasure to be found, especially in its youth. It’s loose-loose when the young there abandon their countries, families and friends, to come to a “cold” Europe. Yet, we let that happen, just because we are too afraid of the consequences of giving them the means to take back control over their future.

No man on this Earth has a bad intention, it is in the way we express that intention that we make mistakes. I refuse the justice that punishes, and I choose restorative justice instead. I cannot accept the crowded prisons, and seeing so many young people put behind bars, when we know it will only make them suffer more, while they came here in a first place because of unbearable pain and trauma.

I want to express my hatred to those who play chess with our future. To those who will decide for me the future of my children, in particular, when I have done everything, everything to make them the wonderful little beings full of sparkling energy that they have.

The progress we are being sold makes me sad because it replaces humans, kills animals and destroys our beautiful nature. Then, finally, there is a last point I want to make before I think I can free myself from all this.

And it’s about the vaccines. I got vaccinated and I am in favour of vaccines, but in the current environment there is more and more evidence that we collectively do harm by forcing people. The virus is not stable and this greatly increases the risk of mutations, which will turn this COVID-19 into a monster virus. It was not a monster virus in the first place as you may remember, some countries were very successful in protecting their people from it.

Am I done?! I want to end it anyway. It’s enough to turn the page. You who read me, I love you. But I might still express my anger and sadness from time to time. In fact, in one of his strongest books, the Dalai Lama encourages us to express our anger at the injustices of our world.

So, even more, if I do, please do not forget to forgive me. We are just humans, after all. Today, I will look for silence in my mind and breathe the purest air I can get (if that’s still possible on this planet). Because tomorrow, I feel it’s really high time to dream again.

Photo by Life Matters on

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