Parental Collaboration: From Chaos to Harmony

Today I would like to share a reflection on parental collaboration and in particular the lessons that I would have liked to have had before becoming a mother.

All in all, it would have saved me a lot of pain.

It’s a bit like what I said in my preamble to the COVID crisis, it’s a shame that we haven’t received a will from our previous generations with the inheritance. And so we fall into many pitfalls, which could easily have been avoided.

1/ It will be very difficult for the mother to cut the umbilical cord

So for me, it’s simple, I had the chance to have my cord cut physically by their dad, a strong gesture for everyone. But unfortunately, it hadn’t been cut in my head at the same time.

This meant too much attachment. The child remained an extension of myself, and each separation was experienced as a test.

As much as I was doing well with the first, because I had energy. For the second, coincidentally, I had less energy and the first nights without the other were poorly managed.

It is essential to find at some point in our life the energy to cut the cord in our head.

Imagine the burden that is to the child, if we do not. Usually, journaling works wonders in any type of grievance.

2/ The harmony of masculine and feminine energies will be key

We are not preparing for our role as parents. We also don’t know the importance of finding our own harmony, and we don’t seriously prepare for collaborative parenting either.

Therefore, the child is born in a very unstable environment most of the time.

Little by little, the role of parents is to move towards something more balanced and harmonious.

Conflicts poorly managed along the way are another burden for the child. The goal is to resolve them as calmly as possible, at the risk of leaving deep scars.

The sooner the wounds are healed and the lessons learnt, the sooner the life of our household will be happy. But you know my philosophy, it’s never too late to heal.

For instance, if we haven’t found the time and energy before our child’s departure, know that even then after that, it’s never too late and benefits will be many. And, even if the child is already at the “normal” stage of adulthood. As long as we see a stress, we have to act.

Both parents, regardless of their sex, must make peace with their energies, their shortcomings and find the right ways to complement each other, without feeling guilty.

We must not be in blind love, but in unconditional, forgiving love. Gone is the traditional model of control freak mom and aloof dad (or the other one, such as caring vs tormentor). We can do better as an exceptional civilisation. We can become two compassionate and caring parents through smart collaboration.

3/ No impact without letting go

This is a strong lesson in my journey as a parent and woman. What we focus our attention on becomes stronger. So whatever problem we have to solve, we have to learn to walk away from it.

A child misbehaving? Say it then let go. A child doing poorly in school? Say it then let go.

It’s weird, isn’t it, but it’s essential.

In fact, when the child has a problem, whatever it is, it will be solved by more love and care (not control and worry, I hope you got it!). The letting go means that we have to shift our focus to the message.

And, the only message the child sends us with each new problem is that something is missing. And most of the time, in us, not in him or her! And, we have to react in the moment, as soon as we can. But not in the way we learnt.

In general, the child only highlights the behaviour that one of his parents must change to regain his much-needed sense of harmony. He is like a sponge to the outside world, until he is equipped to grow stronger, with deep core values that will make him more stable through essential balances.

This is not something which will happen in a day, or by imposing it. It will be gradual, and it will be his learning journey, not yours. Your responsibility is essentially to provide the foundational values. How? By living them of course.

Tomorrow I will provide concrete examples.

I hope you see that I am not promoting negligence here and quite the contrary. This is the most difficult strategy I offer, as it will require you to look deeply at yourself with a magnifying glass. But the benefits will be enormous, and in particular they will have allowed you to preserve the most important relationship of your life, the one between parent and child.

And if you really want to do something about your child to get that reassuring feeling that you’re taking action “on her” directly, let me spoil you with a little secret.

If you want to optimise the impact, say sweet words to your child while she sleeps… Talk to her unconscious, that’s magic…

Being a parent is the most wonderful and difficult experience in my opinion. With this article, I wanted to invite you to make the experience as rewarding as possible!

Because, by doing it right, you offer the most important gift to your children and to yourself. The gift of harmony and peace.

Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

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